I have just two more days left in Prague before I return to England to start my job working at a summer program in Cambridge. In honor of that, here is a cartoon followed by some amusing England vs. America humor.
1. Over cooking your vegetables
The authentic British way to prepare edible plants is to immerse them
in boiling water for a fortnight. Americans think this is weird and
unpleasant, to which I say: “Until you’ve had a carrot disintegrate on
your tongue, you haven’t lived.”
2. Being standoffish
When strangers in shops and people I pass on the street make eye
contact, nod or say “Hi!” I like to reply with an icy stare or low
growl. Lately, I’ve come to understand that this is not the done thing,
but I can’t help it because I’m British. I was raised in a land where a
sneer is worth a thousand smiles.
3. Thinking all Americans are flag-wielding fatties with firearms
Oh you crazy Yanks with your big guns and trousers that could fit three
normal people in each of the legs! However inaccurate, we Brits love to
believe this is the blueprint for every American. Understandably,
they’re not amused.
4. Not tipping Most Brits
would rather undergo weekly colonoscopies than leave a fat stack of
bills for their poorly paid waitress. You might think you can get away
with leaving skimpy tips but the locals have noticed and now we have a
reputation.
5. Your reluctance to “share” The
British stiff upper lip is considered a disadvantage over here. By all
means, Americans, breakdown and cry – tell us something deep and dark –
but do not expect us to reciprocate. But Brits be warned: your silence
will only buy you pitying looks and unsolicited therapist referrals.
6. Believing that Americans have no sense of irony
This myth persists amongst Brits to the irritation of many an
irony-literate American. What you will notice is that, on occasion, your
new countrymen won’t pick up on our brand of sarcasm. That’s because to
the untrained ear, a British person being serious sounds almost exactly
the same as one in mocking, sardonic mode.
7. Having terrible teeth and neglected nails
As any American will tell you, the British suffer from a severe case of
hand, foot and mouth. If your teeth look like chipped, moldering
tombstones and your fingers are topped with jagged, dirty claws, don’t
expect to get many party invites.
8. Not being able to tell a fifty from a five
To us, all dollar bills look alike: greenish oblongs with a dead bloke
on one side and a spooky pyramid on the other. Poorly manicured hand on
heart, that’s the reason I keep putting down ones instead of twenties at
the supermarket.
9. Moaning about missing curry and Marks and Spencer.
Wherever you are in the U.S., there’s wonderful food just waiting to be
snaffled, but I guarantee it won’t be a fragrant chicken dansak or a
dreamy M&S steak and ale pie. My US friends are sick of hearing
about the curry and pie-shaped hole in my life and stomach.
10. Your lack of interest in health Doctors are for wimps. Much better to ignore that pulsating lump in
your abdomen and go to the pub. This is not the American way. Here, if
you’re not having regular swabs, scans or biopsies, you’re doing
something wrong, and your American friends won’t hesitate to stick a pin
in your bravado.
1. Saying “I love your accent!”
Before I moved here, I never imagined that my dreary London burr made
me sound smart or lovable. At first the compliments were nice, but then a
New York tiger mom asked me to talk to her snoozing two-year-old in the
hope that it would rub off. A bit much, I thought.
2. Putting last names first
The fashion for inflicting quirky monikers on babies started with
American parents giving their kids surnames as first names. Remember
Sex and the City’s Smith? Absurd. Then last week at the launderette I got chatting to “Anderson.” Could not take him seriously.
3. They take your plate away too soon
Americans love to please, and nowhere is this more evident than in
restaurants. If I want a side of pickled kitten lungs or a splash of
spaniel milk in my coffee, then by God they’ll make it happen. On the
flip side, over-eager waiters will whip away an individual diner’s plate
the second it’s empty. In my case, that’s long before anyone else at
the table has finished. And people are like, “Seriously, did you even
chew?” No. No I did not.
4. The relentlessly sincere cheer
If I’m having a bad day, or a good day – make that any kind of day – I
do not want people in shops whom I’ve never met to swaddle me with their
sticky, earnest, exaggerated niceness. In America, actual humans say
things like “Ma’am, you have been an awesome customer today,” just
because I bought a box of tampons from their store.
5. Their over-zealous patriotism
We get it, you’re proud to be an American. It’s not like Brits are
immune to nationalism, but perhaps we’re better able to separate feeling
glad (I was lucky enough to be born in a country with democracy and Kit
Kats!) from feeling proud. Shouldn’t the second one be reserved for my
actual achievements? Oh, and to your average Brit, hanging a giant flag
from your house is a tiny bit creepy.
6. They treat their pets like people
Recently, at a flea market, I saw a woman pushing a buggy. Nothing
strange about that, until I looked inside and noticed that her baby was a
dog. One of those petulant micro-yappy types who thinks just because
it’s short you should love it. I’ve also seen twin pugs out for a winter
walk dressed in a full-body knitted suits and ties. And a friend of a
friend’s cat is on Prozac.
7. Insisting that turkey is tasty
There’s a good reason why Brits only eat this galumphing fowl once a
year, then bitch about it behind its carcass. No matter how many
saltwater baths you give your bird, turkey meat is dry, insipid and
stringy. Yet Americans put the powdery poultry in everything – from
burgers and chili to meatballs and lasagna – and make it the culinary
centerpiece of not one but two celebrations.
8. Spelling words the wrong way
I might as well pry the letter “u” from my keyboard for all the good it
does me in over here. (But you know which letter made it big in
America? “Z”! Only, they pronounce it wrong.) My point? Remembering to
remove ‘u’s from words like “colour” and replace “s”s with a more
abrasive “z” is a headache and I resent it. So there.
9. Pretentious pronunciation.
Americans, please note: saying “erb” instead of “herb” and pronouncing
“fillet” without the “t” is not clever or sophisticated. You are not
French. Make an actual socialist your president and then we’ll talk.
10. Saying “panties,” “fanny” and “bangs”
We’re all aware from watching Americans onscreen that these are the
words for knickers, a bottom and a fringe. But when you live here,
occasionally you’re forced to deploy these abominations in real life
sentences. Only the other day, I said, “Can you trim my bangs, please?” I
felt dirty afterwards. But “panties” is much worse, somehow
infantilizing and over-sexualizing ladies’ unmentionables. No word
should do both these things.
